4. Gates of the Universe by Robert Coulson and Gene DeWeese

Our first pair of cowriters materializes in the Laser Books in the personages of R. Coulson and G. DeWeese. Behold what they have wrought!

Considering the restrictions Harlequin placed on the Laser Books I’m keen to see if two heads are better than one. Let’s dive in!

Cover

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*sigh* Okay look, Kelly.

I’m willing to give you the benefit of the doubt and say that, between this and Crash Landing on Iduna, maybe you were having an off-week. Probably flu season, right? Okay? Please? You’re gonna be back on form with the next title, right? Because I’m sorry man, you cannot keep doing this.

There’s even more negative space than on your last cover! And the colour gradient is so similar I feel like you changed one digit on each of your hexadecimals and called it a day. This not why Elwood’s paying you the big bucks.

Wait… did he withhold your paycheque for this month? Is that why your work is suddenly so bad? ‘Cause if that’s the case I will call up my lawyers and we’ll get this straightened out.

No? It’s something else? But what could… oh my God, is it Marketing Guy?! Is he threatening you, getting you to reduce the quality of your art so his cover blurbs stand out more? Don’t speak, don’t do anything, I’m just going to turn the book over and point to the blurb, and if you are in danger, just nod your head once, slowly.

Blurb

Operating a bulldozer may be exciting, but it’s not normally exciting in the way that Ross Allen found it. The fact that he was a science fiction writer on the side had nothing to do with it. There was something strange about the rock he struck with his machine. Even stranger was what he found inside it. But that was only the beginning. It led him to Orl who was brilliant and likeable, even if a bit odd by human standards. It brought him to Kari who was beautiful, but far different from any woman he’d ever met before. It led him to a world he could never have dreamed up himself.

OPP Transcript–19/01/2026

Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?

James Dick: Um, yes, operator, I think my friend is being threatened!

Operator: All right, stay calm, sir. Can you describe the nature of this threat?

JD: He’s a cover artist for a line of sci-fi books and he’s being made to reduce the quality of his work so that sub-par marketing blurbs can stand out. I–I just–I don’t know what to do!

Operator: I understand completely, sir. Please just tell me: how bad is the quality of the blurb?

JD: Well it’s… it’s not the worst I’ve ever seen, but it’s… it’s just mediocre. It’s meandering, doesn’t go anywhere, doesn’t say anything concrete about the book, and it… it… I’m sorry, this is really quite confusing.

Operator: You’re doing very well, sir. We have officers en route. Just a little longer, sir. One final question: do you feel enticed to buy the book?

JD: No, not at all.

Operator: Good, good. We’re going to resolve this soon. Our officers are arriving on the scene now and they’re going to take over from here.

JD: Oh, I can see the flashing lights! Kelly, we’re saved!!

END TRANSCRIPT

Story

So um… there’s this story, right? And… it’s a… a sci-fi story.

All right, I’ll be brutally honest with you. I cannot remember anything past page 9 of this book.

I know for certain I read it cover to cover last year, otherwise I wouldn’t have moved on with this series, but aside from sentence fragments and bits of scenes, I cannot for the life of me recall anything clearly other than Ross getting teleported to the alien planet with his boss Kujawa.

I’m so sorry, I’m truly at a loss! If you put a gun to my head right now and said, “Give me a synopsis or I’ll pull the trigger,” my response would be, “… you’d better pull the trigger.”

I toyed with the idea of rereading this book for this review, but then I thought, “Why?” If this book left so little impact that I can remember only 0.5% of it, it’s not a book worth recommending, so what would be the point?

Okay, here’s what I’m sure of:

• Ross and his boss Kujawa accidentally travel to an alien planet via some kind of Stargate hidden under the construction site they’re working on.
• Kujawa is killed… somehow. Pretty sure it’s Ross’s fault.
• Ross falls in with a woman named Kari (pictured on the cover) whose brawn is greater than her brains, and Orl, a lizard-man whose brains are greater than his brawn.
• Ross learns the planet is a sort of Union Station for Stargates, all leading to other parts of the universe.
• Together they face some kind of alien threat.
• Ross and Kari win the day, open the gates, and fly off into the sunset.

Beyond that, I cannot recall specifics. So… yeah…

My Goodreads Review

I read this last year and cannot remember a single thing about it beyond page 9. This has been the single most unmemorable book I have ever read. Take that for what it is.

This is a bummer. I feel like I’m shortchanging you guys with this review. Maybe next week will be–

Who’s Next?

5. Walls within Walls by Arthur Tofte

Blurb

For sixteen years Rolf’s parents had kept him hidden away from the society in which they lived. His twin brother was able to move about freely and indeed was regarded by all as a young man of talent and great promise. But Rolf was a mutant and, as such, illegally alive. What happens when he escapes from his hiding place and discovers a whole world of mutants living underground, beneath the highly controlled technologically advanced city that had been his prison, is the main thread of Arthur Tofte’s engrossing tale. The city was never the same again. Nor, perhaps, will you be after you read it.

No… no it’s too soon! He can’t be back, he just can’t be! I only just finished Crash Landing on Iduna! I’m not mentally prepared for this!

All right… all right, just breathe, just breathe.

It can’t be that bad, right?

… right?!

Aaaaahhh!!